a sad woman

so, i just found out that my best friend is pregnant. she is nine weeks along. she had only been trying for less than 2 months. im crushed. i cant even type anymore.

Just another day

Well, it's Sunday and I am feeling ok. I am on day 31. I can kinda feel like AF is going to be here. I kinda feel sad and I kinda feel anxious. Once things start flowing (pun intended) I know we can begin IVF. My friend has been driving me crazy sometimes talking about having another baby. I am trying to be rational about it. She mentions cramps, and ovulation and taking a preg test. I know that she wants to be preg, but sometimes its hard for me to listen. Sometimes she talks too much about it but i don't want to be rude. i am not sure how i feel about everything. i am going to my MIL's house today and i hope i can survive. sometimes the conversation is dull. sometimes its ok. DH doesn't say much sometimes. i think his brother and wife will be there too and she talks more than anyone all together. it might be a long day. Kinda just want to stay at home ad relax before the week begins. oh well. this is my weekly complaint.

School is almost here!

Well, things have been pretty good so far. I have had a chance to work on my classroom. It is finally starting to come together. I went to some GT training and that has actually opened my eyes to gifted students. I didn't realize there were so many types. At least now I know and I know how to approach them. I am really looking forward to this year, but I am EXTREMELY nervous. There are so many teachers who are EXCEPTIONAL that it scares me. I am to make sure I not the weak link on my team. or in the school. Today is a pretty good day, so I am not going to ramble on about anything negative. I actually started listening to upbeat music in the car again, which i haven't done for months. We have some landscaping people coming today to look at our front garden bed. We got a note from the HOA about our weeds! silly HOA!!! that's what we pay them for. but it still irritates me. i have been having a lot of BTS (back to school) nightmares. Kids running rampant. Not enough desks. Fighting. just crazy stuff. but this happens every year. to most teachers i think. At least the ones who care about their job. well have a good day folks.

dreaming about school already? DAMN!

So the back to school dreams have started! All my teacher friends can relate. I had a dream that I was in a room with 50 kids, not enough desks and we were crammed like sardines. Kids started fighting and yelling and it was a mess. Then 2nd period started and I tried a different tactic, CKH, and it worked. THe kids loved me and the class went well. I've had a couple of them before, but I can't remember what they are now. I know that as the day gets closer, I will have a few more dreams. Oh well! That's the life of a teacher :) I still love school!

a relaxed woman

we are back from vacation and it was awesome! Estes Park colorado is beautiful. I am finally feeling like my old self.

Hope = Hurt

SO of all the times in the world, AF arrives right at 28 freakin days. SHE IS NEVER ON TIME! I just wanted her to be a little bit late so i wont be on vacation and can actually start IVF this month. SO after screaming my lungs out in frustration and breaking a necklace and sunglasses, i have finally calmed down. Had chips, watermelon and ice cream for dinner. not the healthiest but the ice cream was delicious. I was really HOPING for us to start this month. I even started fantasizing about hold a baby in my arms and decorating a nursery. Why oh WHY did i start thinking like that again. WHy oh WHY did i let myself get so hopeful. i had a lot to type earlier, but i am just too exhausted.

is it bad to be jealous and selfish?

so my BFF tells me that she stopped taking birth control. which means at anytime soon she could get pregnant. she said that she isn't timing it or anything, but she isn't ignoring the timing either. i want her to be pregnant, but selfishly, not before me! is that bad? I so want to have my first before she has her second. I don't want her to have trouble, i just want to have mine first. i know it sounds bad, but its how i feel. Dear Lord, please let me have healthy children. Thank you Amen

An evening Prayer

I think it's time I start writing down my prayers. Dear Lord, Thank you for my family. I love my wonderful husband, and my 2 dogs. My mom is awesome and always helpful. My brother is so giving and caring. My in-laws are wonderful and so is my best friend. So thank you for all of these people. Thank you for my job and for giving my husband a good job. Thank you for the opportunity to do something meaningful with my life. Please protect all my family and friends, (pets included). Please forgive me for my sins. Thank you for letting my have the opportunity to finally try IVF, Please help me to get pregnant. I am trying to stay positive God, and I know i can with your help. I know I have been praying all of my life, but I think it's about time I actually write them to you. THank you for everything

ups and downs

since Saturday, things have been ok. There are some times in the day where I just find myself wanting to slip into sadness and bad thoughts start crowding my head. I try to keep myself busy with something, whether its TV, radio, or whatever. I notice the worst is when I don't have anything to keep my mind busy. Our vacation is less than a week away, so i will be bust getting ready for that. I just keep hoping and praying that we can start our IVF cycle this month. As long as we get back in time and AF works with me, then we can. I am ready to do something!

Oh Shit, I am happy!

So today i noticed i am feeling a little better. I actually feel like fighting away the negative thoughts. unfortunately my arm is scarred where i scratched it. It just looks like my dogs scratched me, but i will know what they are. hopefully they will fade away, like these negative thoughts. My mom left for vacation today so i was a little sad. she is in another country, so i cant just dial her at anytime. on another note, my boobs have been sore for the past 2 days. it's really messing with my mind. damn hormonal body. here;s to another good day i hope

Hope...can it be true?

We met with Dr. Le today and he explained the whole IVF process. I feel a little bit better about everything. I am hoping this process run smoothly. I am truly afraid to hope. I know that i just need to relax and be patient and pray. Thank you to those with kind words. THat also really helps as well. today i feel that i am on the right track. I know it will be a tough one but i know i can make it through with people like my family and my online family as well. Thanks again, You have brought some hope to me.

WHat was i thinking

So after being crazy ass drunk and posting that nonsense on here and on FACEBOOK, and i am filled with regret. I think I literally went off the deep end that night. I actually hurt myself. I took something small and sharp and scratched my arms. Like those little teenagers who are cutting. I didnt use a razor or knife - i was too scared for that - i just used something sharp. I dont know what possessed me to do that, i really dont undderstand it at all. my poor husband had to deal with me. i was crying and sobbing "saying i want to die" i dont. i want to not feel this loss. i should be hopeful.my appt with dr. le is tomorrow. we are actually going to start the IVF process. Hubbys parents savd up enough money and we can actually do it. so why am i scared?

of a drunk...ha ha just intoxicated

so, today am fucking crazy ass drunk rightnow!! wht!! my cuz decided not to be at home and for some reason thatraffected me more than i thughth. so i got a six pack and i a on numbe 5. i fuckinghate thefact that we are classified as :infertile" what a unch of bs. Notice i am not going tocange the spelling because it just adds to the affect that i am drunk. ha hA. MAYBE I AM NOT AND I AM REALY JUST ANGRY AGAIN.OR MAYEB I AM BOTGT AND I THINK ITS FUNNNY TO TYPE LIKE THIS, this is thw shit about the internet. you just never fuvking know whats going thru a persons mind. smetimes i think about publsihing thi shit so allmy firedns can read abouthat what ut means to be suicida and crazy un thfuking headi i hope u peeps cn decode this shit. i just realized i cantoe worth shit,. i am horrible. i cant believe i had anb office job,. this shit is ricuclous. der god. i love you. i hope you will let me have the blessing of a child. jai shri Krishna. is it wrongto pray while drunk> is it worng tobe hopeful? is it wrong tpo be envious abot the ppl you know? fuck./

a Babysitter and it's not so bad!

Well, I finally got a chance to sleep in this morning. Till9am! Can you believe it! But is not my vacation yet. I still have training on Monday and Tuesday. I am really excited about my new campus. Everyone is SO PUMPED and excited. We have a lot of work ahead, but I think it will be ok this year. At least this year people are willing to work hard. Today I am babysitting for a friend of mine. I had to think for awhile if it was something I could handle. I think since is NOT a newborn baby, it is a lot easier. He is a just a cute lil guy and it's not bad. It took me a while to get back to her because i wasnt sure about it, but i think i made the right decision. I still havent talked with my cousin yet. She is still be a lil bit immature. so far life is actually good! yes!

ehhh.

So not so much going on right now. still trying to lose weight. still getting bummed out by seeing little babies everywhere. I was gonna go to a friends house, but i don't feel like having a fake conversation about anything. I feel like there are only a few people who i can have a real conversation with. everything else just seems like fluff. my cuz still hasnt spoken to me. i guess she is gonna continue to act like lil brat. She had the nerve to actually TELL me "i know you are jealous cuz i have a baby" what a bitch anyways, summer vacation has begun, but i have training all week, so i get to meet some of the new staff. that should be good. looking forward to that!

someone alone

You know, life really sucks. some days are just bad. my cuz and i got into a fight. i dont think that i am even upset about that. i am mostly upset that life sucks. i always feel down. i am a bad wife. i know that i am. i feel sad and alone. my husband is awesome. i am not. i am just bored of everything.

a broke Painter

So these days i am actually painting! I think it is because I have been feeling slightly (well let's not kid ourselves; extremely) depressed. I now understand that in order for you to create and write the most interesting pieces there has to be some suffering. I think everything wonderful has its price. Well for most people. Some people are just flippin lucky and they get everything they want. I initially started this blog as my online diary, where i can vent my private thoughts. i am thinking of it now as a way to help me tell the world what i am going through. i know that the world isn't reading it, but I feel like I am not a silent victim anymore and I have a voice. one thing i feel guilty about is going on vacation this year. it's our 5 yr anniversary and we are going to estes park, colorado. my hubby and i never went on a honeymoon (because I was looking for a job) and now we are spending money on a vacation. Money we don't have! and on top of it all, his parents are the ones saving up the money for us to do IVF. His mom says she is happy and that we should go on vacation and she even has a present for us. I am torn. We are going, but i hope they don't feel we are taking advantage of them. the doc we are using wants the first part of it in cash (6K) which is why we cant pay. if we went somewhere else it would be so much more and we dont have enough on the card to charge. oh well. that's life i guess. u will always need more and always want more,.

thinking positive

Good Morning! Day 2 of training and I hope that it goes a little bit better than yesterday. It seems that my team is going to be tough to work with. One of the ladies, i will call DK, is very bossy and opinionated. I feel that she doesn't like me. Hopefully I am just being ridiculous and that I am jumping to conclusions all the time. I am wondering if I am just intimated and being foolish. Yesterday I left feeling defeated, but I know that if I am going to accomplish everything i want i just have to ignore my ridiculous feelings and just keep working. I am really debating on a tattoo that says change the world, because that is what i want to do. I want to be able to make a difference in a big way and i dont want anyone to stand in my way. I am really happy about the change i decided to make i just hope i can live up to my own expectations. I know that i can actually make the difference and i know that i can change the lives of many people. i love my job and i want this year to be awesome!!!!!!!! i WONT let anyone get in my way, i think that is actually what i need to remember. this time i brought my lunch and i will be staying in the classroom to eat. I am not going to place myself in an uncomfortable position like i did yesterday. i know that i can't handle id speak so i am staying away.

lunch talk

so it's lunch time and everyone of course is going out to eat and i decide to stay here and eat. the girl invites me to join her and her friends in the teachers lounge. sounds better than eating by myself. Was i wrong or what? Everyone starts talking about their kids again and how they are sick and how having a 2yr old is tough stuff and that's why i only had one and blah blah BLAH! I am so sick of hearing the same conversation. I stayed for about 15 to 20 min and that was it. I just left. I went to the cafeteria downstairs and saw a couple of my old students. it was pleasant seeing them. now i am back in a silent room left alone with my thoughts and my nausea. Yesterday, after seeing the preg ladies, i felt sick to my stomach. now i still feel that way. this is what i get for hating on the preg ladies! damn u karma! you really know how to get to a girl real quick! it's nice to be invited, but i couldn't take anymore talk about kids. I was feeling good this morning and i am not going to let a little thing like that bring me down. At least the training we are doing today is interesting. It actually seems like something i could implement into my classroom. that i am happy about. onwards and upwards i guess.

a woman on a mission

so it seems like every time i post to this thing i am either frustrated or depressed. well guess what folks? i am happy! even though i saw all the preg b*tches at walmart! I decided to take the dogs on a walk/jog and let my frustration out that way. to hell with preg ladies, i am gonna sweat the depression away. i am bpund and determined to lose weight before my hubby and i go to colorado this summer to celebrate our five yr anniversary. the least i could do i get back to my wedding weight. i know that will help curb the depression; nothing like being fat and infertile to make a girl go mad! here's to happier posts and a hot fuckin bod by august! enjoy the work week folks! by the way i have lost 6.4 lbs so far. i am down from 161. its unbelievable that i used to be 130!

bored frustrated woman

so today sucks. i am bored and frustrated. all day long today and yesterday has just been frustrating. I sit around and I all i can do is listen to music. Yesterday i didnt want to watch TV. nothing good was on. I started watchin some crazy movie with jessica alba as a math teacher. the invisible sign. she had some mental problems. i could totally relate. in the movie she bought an axe and hung it in her classroom. so of course i was obsessed with it and i decided i should paint an axe or hatchet. i decided to paint a tree that was bleeding. in my head it looks great but of course i cant paint that well yet so it looked lame. the hatchet had blood on it of course to show the tree bleeding. i think i was in a mood feeling sorry for the planet. i dont know. maybe i was too chicken to paint anything to dark and crazy even though people do it all the time. one day i hope i can paint evrything thats in my head and then i will feel better about things. i just know that i need to get the frustration out or i will crack. this has also been a long weekend so there was no school to keep me busy. today wasnt even that bad of a day. went to the inlaws and had a good time. now i am just too amped for some reason. AMPED! some times i wish i could just start throwin dishes evreywhere. i picture it in my head and how awesome it would be. but then of course the rational part of me thinks about how id have to clean that shit up. so nothing happens. damn the spelling tonight. if you read this you can figure it the hell out. sometimes i want off the anti-depressant. they arent even that big of a dose but i feel like they make me all dopey and foggy. i feel like the feelings are just getting suppressed deep inside and i not solving anything but instead i am just hiding it deeper and deeper inside. thank God for music. it really helps me relax. well as relaxed as a crazy person can be. sometimes i think that i am not that crazy but i am just making myself crazy. but then i will forget a dose of meds and then i notice the difference right away. even though it builds up in the system i still feel the effect. but then i wonder what if my doc just gave me placebos and i am just creating the drama in my head because i am a ridiculous person searching for something to be wrong with me. like a hypochondriac. life is dumb.

I hate today

TOday is a bad day. i woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day. i just feel like jumpin off a bridge, or falling off a cliff. i also feel like disappearing. but i just want my feelings of hate to disappear. sometimes the world sucks and your emotions take control and there is nothing you can do. today is just one of those days.

frustrated teacher

I hate my fucking job! it drives me crazy. everyday i say i am not going to yell, but i end up doing it again and again. i dont even have the energy to vent.