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Sunday, May 27, 2012

bored frustrated woman

so today sucks. i am bored and frustrated. all day long today and yesterday has just been frustrating. I sit around and I all i can do is listen to music. Yesterday i didnt want to watch TV. nothing good was on. I started watchin some crazy movie with jessica alba as a math teacher. the invisible sign. she had some mental problems. i could totally relate. in the movie she bought an axe and hung it in her classroom. so of course i was obsessed with it and i decided i should paint an axe or hatchet. i decided to paint a tree that was bleeding. in my head it looks great but of course i cant paint that well yet so it looked lame. the hatchet had blood on it of course to show the tree bleeding. i think i was in a mood feeling sorry for the planet. i dont know. maybe i was too chicken to paint anything to dark and crazy even though people do it all the time. one day i hope i can paint evrything thats in my head and then i will feel better about things. i just know that i need to get the frustration out or i will crack. this has also been a long weekend so there was no school to keep me busy. today wasnt even that bad of a day. went to the inlaws and had a good time. now i am just too amped for some reason. AMPED! some times i wish i could just start throwin dishes evreywhere. i picture it in my head and how awesome it would be. but then of course the rational part of me thinks about how id have to clean that shit up. so nothing happens. damn the spelling tonight. if you read this you can figure it the hell out. sometimes i want off the anti-depressant. they arent even that big of a dose but i feel like they make me all dopey and foggy. i feel like the feelings are just getting suppressed deep inside and i not solving anything but instead i am just hiding it deeper and deeper inside. thank God for music. it really helps me relax. well as relaxed as a crazy person can be. sometimes i think that i am not that crazy but i am just making myself crazy. but then i will forget a dose of meds and then i notice the difference right away. even though it builds up in the system i still feel the effect. but then i wonder what if my doc just gave me placebos and i am just creating the drama in my head because i am a ridiculous person searching for something to be wrong with me. like a hypochondriac. life is dumb.

3 comments:

  1. Maybe you need to try a new med and even then antidepressants can only do so much. Have you ever thought about talking to someone. I have been going to a psychologist since August and it has been a Godsend. I hope your weekend gets better.

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    Replies
    1. Emily, I noticed that i usually blog about once a month and it is always so depressing. I guess i was having a really bad day. i was talking with a psychologist and she really helped me, but i guess i have my bad days too. I think part of it is that i hate to have to depend on meds and talking to someone else. but i am much better today. some days i just need to let it all out and that seemed to help

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    2. I am glad you are doing better. I too didn't like the idea of being dependent on meds and talking to someone. When I was on them I found the meds worked so well I didn't care I was on them anymore. I was just happy I was feeling good. I have been talking to someone for a while and I too have my bad days, but she has given me the tools to be more open, talk about things with my Hubby and look for good things about each day to make me happy and try to stay positive.

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