Sunday, May 27, 2012
bored frustrated woman
so today sucks. i am bored and frustrated. all day long today and yesterday has just been frustrating. I sit around and I all i can do is listen to music. Yesterday i didnt want to watch TV. nothing good was on. I started watchin some crazy movie with jessica alba as a math teacher. the invisible sign. she had some mental problems. i could totally relate. in the movie she bought an axe and hung it in her classroom. so of course i was obsessed with it and i decided i should paint an axe or hatchet. i decided to paint a tree that was bleeding. in my head it looks great but of course i cant paint that well yet so it looked lame. the hatchet had blood on it of course to show the tree bleeding. i think i was in a mood feeling sorry for the planet. i dont know. maybe i was too chicken to paint anything to dark and crazy even though people do it all the time. one day i hope i can paint evrything thats in my head and then i will feel better about things. i just know that i need to get the frustration out or i will crack. this has also been a long weekend so there was no school to keep me busy. today wasnt even that bad of a day. went to the inlaws and had a good time. now i am just too amped for some reason. AMPED! some times i wish i could just start throwin dishes evreywhere. i picture it in my head and how awesome it would be. but then of course the rational part of me thinks about how id have to clean that shit up. so nothing happens. damn the spelling tonight. if you read this you can figure it the hell out. sometimes i want off the anti-depressant. they arent even that big of a dose but i feel like they make me all dopey and foggy. i feel like the feelings are just getting suppressed deep inside and i not solving anything but instead i am just hiding it deeper and deeper inside. thank God for music. it really helps me relax. well as relaxed as a crazy person can be. sometimes i think that i am not that crazy but i am just making myself crazy. but then i will forget a dose of meds and then i notice the difference right away. even though it builds up in the system i still feel the effect. but then i wonder what if my doc just gave me placebos and i am just creating the drama in my head because i am a ridiculous person searching for something to be wrong with me. like a hypochondriac. life is dumb.