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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Money troubles and other thoughts

So, i was watching Rock Center with Brian Williams last week, and he mentioned how a couple got funding for their IVF cycle in 6 days! They used a website called Kickstarter. Naturally, I investigated it, but found that the only reason they were even able to post on there was because they created a film. its a website dedicated to creative projects in the arts. I was really excited about the idea, but alas, i am not a movie maker. I guess if I get desperate, I will become one. I also started researching about grants, and realized that Texas sucks. they have no requirement that insurance covers IVF. this is not something that women would choose to go through. We are desperately wanting a child, not trying to create a super-child with specific traits. There are 15 states that require insurance companies to cover IVF. maybe we should move! ha! There has to be a better way. All my life i thought, it only takes once. now come to find out, my hubby and i should have stayed of BC from the get-go. maybe we'd have a little one by now. I truly believe the Lord has a plan for us, and that He will provide us with a blessed child, but I also believe He is trying to teach me a lesson, and I am not sure if I am on the right track. so far, I have learned the struggles of depression, the agony of feeling alone, the scary thoughts of suicide and the pain of hope. I know that a lot of m y students at school deal with some of these things and more, so I feel like I am listening to them and relating to them a lot more this year. I also feel like He is testing my faith. It was tested when my father passed away suddenly, and I feel like this is another one to make me stronger. I am not sure what lies ahead, but it may be a rough journey, so He is teaching me strength. Last post, I accepted my fate, but as a control-freak, I feel I should be able to do something. So maybe I haven't accepted it. Maybe just that day. I hope that one day we can look back at this and forget the struggle. actually i think i would rather remember, so I can help others and remember to feel grateful. i dont want to take things for granted. my husband and i have to remind ourselves of the positives in life and how we really are truly blessed. I have the most amazing husband and we have a beautiful home. we are both employed and have 2 dogs. I have a mom who knows how to help me and a brother that is caring. i have friends who love me and pray for me. It's just hard to remember those things on the bad days. sometimes i feel like just sending everyone I know a link to my blog, but i think it would make them uncomfortable. i wish there was a website i could create and people could just donate money to me until i have enough. i dont have enough credit to charge everything and we certainly dont have enough cash. I guess I will continue to research, since God helps those who help themselves. My father was always one who would provide and find a solution, so I guess it's our turn now.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Acceptance

So, after talking to mom last night, i have accepted my fate. looks like IVF is what we have to go through, now i just need a plan. just need to figure out how to finance everything and make sure we are doing the best thing for us. sometimes its hard to see the "silver lining" but my mom really helped. thanks mom!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

a future IVF patient

So we met with the doc today and it turns out we have a couple of options. I can get a laporoscopy done or I can got straight to IVF. the lap would help the doc tell if there is any scarring in the uterus. He started talking about how some women who have chlamydia or endometriosis have scarring. i told the doc that i have already been scanned for chlamydia and never had a positive result. he was saying its still possible to have gotten it and not known. i havent had but 3 sexual partners, so i dont think it's possible. Also, I have never had signs of endometriosis, so i dont see the need for a lap. He was saying we could do that and then try the IUI again, but that just sounds like taking the long way.

IVF cycle is about 6 weeks. i have to take injectables, which makes me nervous. its so damn expensive too....why oh why does it take so much to get pregnant!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What tomorrow brings

hey ya'll, i didnt even realize i had followers, or comments. i am completely new to blogging. sorry for not replying



I had a rough day today. complete ups and downs like a freaking roller coaster. I got up this morning, fine and dandy. husband at work, so it's just me and the dogs (my furry children). I took them for a walk and was feeling fine. Went to dallas to see my nephew. Well, he's my cousin's son, so I just call him my nephew. She's 22, and didnt even want to be pregnant, but never thought to take the pill. or maybe she really wanted to be pregnant, who knows. anyway, we were just talking and bitchin about stuff and she has a kid, but a crap marriage and they are trying to make it work, and I have a fabulous marriage, but can't have a kid. so got together to chat. sounded like a good idea, but i realize that talking about this to people, really frustrates and angers me. it just puts me in this bad mood. I don't think people truly understand the thoughts and feelings that someone goes through. They think they do, but I know they don't. I know I don't understand what my cousin N is going through. She is married to a guy and has a kid and doesnt know if she wants to be with him, thats got to be hard.

Anyways, I left after awhile because i realize i dont want to hear other people's problems especially if they are not doing anything about it. I cant stand people who complain because they need someone to listen to them about anything. my aunt was having issues with her 2 dogs, but she hasnt done anything to fix the problem. That pisses me off. Stop complaining and DO something. I am complaining because right now there is nothing I can do. It's completely out of my control.

anyways, got home, chilled with the dogs and then went to walmart. BIG F-ing Mistake. i was stuck in line at the pharmacy (to get my anti-depressants) and there was a family with their 2 kids sitting on the benches by the line. Dad was feeding their newborn and mom had the little girl. They were just being happy parents, and I was mad as hell. I could feel myself getting so ANgry AND I wanted to scream. I was tapping my foot and tapping the cart and i thought about just running out the store, but i had to get my stupid meds. it was like someone decided to stick me in that line so i can experience just a little bit of what my hell would be like. i managed to make it to the counter without punching someone and continued the walmart journey.

got to the fruit section and started making up songs to myself, using christmas tunes, about how i was crazy, and needed to move along quickly, and how i hated how i felt and no one understood. after awhile, i realized i must have looked like a crazy person just singing nonsense to myself.

i think i am just EXTREMELY anxious about tomorrow's meeting. we meet with the doc to find out the next steps. i hope that there is some good news and its not going to cost an arm and a leg.

i just couldnt write in my journal today. had to type it up and get it out. I am glad i am not the only one who feels frustrated, but i am sad that there are so many of us who are in this damn position. I am not sure what lesson God is teaching me, but I hope that it ends soon. Sometimes i think he is having me go through this so i can be more patient, or relate to students at school and understand that everyone has problems and that i should understand that school doesnt come first, sometimes understanding does. i know i am much more compassionate this year than last, and i know that it is because i am struggling myself. I just hope that once I am pregnant and have that baby, I don't forget.
Goodnight people. this is enough for today.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Holidays are here...

so, it's finally Christmas break and I should be happy, but I am not. I feel sad about the holidays. it's a time for family and kids, but alas, there's no kids in this family. even the damn wreath that i bought a few years ago has a snowman wife/husband and kid. seems silly, but it feels like a constant reminder, but I am too practical to get another one.

I have been seeing a therapist and she seems to be helping me with my irrational thoughts. i never thought I would be the one who had to see someone for help, but I am glad there are people out there who can help us.

we see the doc again on wed. we are done with IUIs and now we are going to find out what the next steps are.......wish us luck!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Frustrated

So it's 9:49pm and I am reading on About.com about starting a blog and how therapeutic it is. I have totally forgotten about this blog I had started back in 2009! It had only been 6 months of trying naturally. It's now been over 2 years and I am about to go through the 2nd IUI. Last month i had hope, even though the doc didn't seem so positive about it. The count was extremely low. I know that it frustrates my DH. We are both so frustrated because it is completely out of my control. I just have to wait.

I think the stress is getting to me. Some days i feel so sad and distant from other people. Almost isolated in a room full of people. I can't relate to them. But i manage to put on a smile and fake it till i make it. But then I started crying in front of all the other math teachers in our meeting and I realized i can't fake it. This infertility crap is messing with my mind and I am depressed at times. I contacted a local support group and I hope that going to a meeting with other women who understand will help me. I can't talk with my mom or my BF because they just don't understand. my mom constantly wants to give advice, and then she tries to be positive, but both things annoy me. It's so bad! I don't even know what I want her to do. I can't talk to my BF because i am just too jealous of her. Let's get real here. She has a baby (beautiful little girl) and she has a new job in a good school district, and she has both her parents. I think I have always felt a little lost since daddy passed away. Now I feel like I can't talk to her because it's just too hard to explain. And then the worst part is when we go over to their house to watch football, the girls are downstairs with the kids and the guys are upstairs watching the game. It's so hard to be down there. I don't want to talk to them about what stage their baby is going through. I don't want to listen again and again about how "one day it'll happen" that doesn't help me at all. I know that they dont know what to say, but how do you tell someone, I don't really want to talk to you because you have what I want?

I go to the doc on the 20th for a mid-cycle sono and then we will probably do the IUI a couple of days afters. I just hope I can make it through the rest of this school week. It's been super tough and I am just praying it goes well.