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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Frustrated

So it's 9:49pm and I am reading on About.com about starting a blog and how therapeutic it is. I have totally forgotten about this blog I had started back in 2009! It had only been 6 months of trying naturally. It's now been over 2 years and I am about to go through the 2nd IUI. Last month i had hope, even though the doc didn't seem so positive about it. The count was extremely low. I know that it frustrates my DH. We are both so frustrated because it is completely out of my control. I just have to wait.

I think the stress is getting to me. Some days i feel so sad and distant from other people. Almost isolated in a room full of people. I can't relate to them. But i manage to put on a smile and fake it till i make it. But then I started crying in front of all the other math teachers in our meeting and I realized i can't fake it. This infertility crap is messing with my mind and I am depressed at times. I contacted a local support group and I hope that going to a meeting with other women who understand will help me. I can't talk with my mom or my BF because they just don't understand. my mom constantly wants to give advice, and then she tries to be positive, but both things annoy me. It's so bad! I don't even know what I want her to do. I can't talk to my BF because i am just too jealous of her. Let's get real here. She has a baby (beautiful little girl) and she has a new job in a good school district, and she has both her parents. I think I have always felt a little lost since daddy passed away. Now I feel like I can't talk to her because it's just too hard to explain. And then the worst part is when we go over to their house to watch football, the girls are downstairs with the kids and the guys are upstairs watching the game. It's so hard to be down there. I don't want to talk to them about what stage their baby is going through. I don't want to listen again and again about how "one day it'll happen" that doesn't help me at all. I know that they dont know what to say, but how do you tell someone, I don't really want to talk to you because you have what I want?

I go to the doc on the 20th for a mid-cycle sono and then we will probably do the IUI a couple of days afters. I just hope I can make it through the rest of this school week. It's been super tough and I am just praying it goes well.

5 comments:

  1. Infertility is lonely. Even if people around you are experiencing the same thing as you, it's taboo to talk about. I so wish I had a IF friend in the real world, not just the blogger world, whom I could cry with. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world going through this shit. But, all we can do is keep our head up and keep going, keep trying and keep blogging. About.com is right, blogging really does help. It reminds me on a daily basis that I am not alone. I wish you the best on your upcoming IUI. I will be praying for you and following you on your journey.

    PS. Glad I could be your first follower. Does that mean I took your blog virginity? LOL.

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  2. Infertility really does suck. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck on the IUI! Know that there are many people thinking about you and sending you good thoughts, prayers, vibes, anything and everything.

    Have to second NV -- blogging is good therapy. I need to do it more consistently, but even when i'm not that consistent it still helps!

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  3. You aren't alone and I am glad you have started blogging again. I'm a newbie blogger too and I find it helps a lot! Chin up and good luck with your IUI.
    Mags

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  4. *hugs* So much of what you've written, I've either written myself or thought several times over. Infertility really does suck and not having someone face to face to talk to is hard (not that I'd wish this on anyone). Like the others, I have found that blogging and this community is quite helpful! I at least know I'm not alone, even during my days of darkest despair.
    I hope your IUI went well and you update us soon.

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  5. <> I could relate to so many of the thoughts you had in this entry. I literally want to rip my best friend's head off when she says, "it will happen!" She is always so positive and sometimes I just want to hear her say, "that sucks!" IF does make you feel lonely - it feels like you are leading a double life. One life is what everyone else sees - the happy face you put on... but then there is the heartbreaking sadness you feel that no one else sees or understands.

    I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you and this IUI!

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