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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What tomorrow brings

hey ya'll, i didnt even realize i had followers, or comments. i am completely new to blogging. sorry for not replying

I had a rough day today. complete ups and downs like a freaking roller coaster. I got up this morning, fine and dandy. husband at work, so it's just me and the dogs (my furry children). I took them for a walk and was feeling fine. Went to dallas to see my nephew. Well, he's my cousin's son, so I just call him my nephew. She's 22, and didnt even want to be pregnant, but never thought to take the pill. or maybe she really wanted to be pregnant, who knows. anyway, we were just talking and bitchin about stuff and she has a kid, but a crap marriage and they are trying to make it work, and I have a fabulous marriage, but can't have a kid. so got together to chat. sounded like a good idea, but i realize that talking about this to people, really frustrates and angers me. it just puts me in this bad mood. I don't think people truly understand the thoughts and feelings that someone goes through. They think they do, but I know they don't. I know I don't understand what my cousin N is going through. She is married to a guy and has a kid and doesnt know if she wants to be with him, thats got to be hard.

Anyways, I left after awhile because i realize i dont want to hear other people's problems especially if they are not doing anything about it. I cant stand people who complain because they need someone to listen to them about anything. my aunt was having issues with her 2 dogs, but she hasnt done anything to fix the problem. That pisses me off. Stop complaining and DO something. I am complaining because right now there is nothing I can do. It's completely out of my control.

anyways, got home, chilled with the dogs and then went to walmart. BIG F-ing Mistake. i was stuck in line at the pharmacy (to get my anti-depressants) and there was a family with their 2 kids sitting on the benches by the line. Dad was feeding their newborn and mom had the little girl. They were just being happy parents, and I was mad as hell. I could feel myself getting so ANgry AND I wanted to scream. I was tapping my foot and tapping the cart and i thought about just running out the store, but i had to get my stupid meds. it was like someone decided to stick me in that line so i can experience just a little bit of what my hell would be like. i managed to make it to the counter without punching someone and continued the walmart journey.

got to the fruit section and started making up songs to myself, using christmas tunes, about how i was crazy, and needed to move along quickly, and how i hated how i felt and no one understood. after awhile, i realized i must have looked like a crazy person just singing nonsense to myself.

i think i am just EXTREMELY anxious about tomorrow's meeting. we meet with the doc to find out the next steps. i hope that there is some good news and its not going to cost an arm and a leg.

i just couldnt write in my journal today. had to type it up and get it out. I am glad i am not the only one who feels frustrated, but i am sad that there are so many of us who are in this damn position. I am not sure what lesson God is teaching me, but I hope that it ends soon. Sometimes i think he is having me go through this so i can be more patient, or relate to students at school and understand that everyone has problems and that i should understand that school doesnt come first, sometimes understanding does. i know i am much more compassionate this year than last, and i know that it is because i am struggling myself. I just hope that once I am pregnant and have that baby, I don't forget.
Goodnight people. this is enough for today.

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