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Monday, July 9, 2012

WHat was i thinking

So after being crazy ass drunk and posting that nonsense on here and on FACEBOOK, and i am filled with regret. I think I literally went off the deep end that night. I actually hurt myself. I took something small and sharp and scratched my arms. Like those little teenagers who are cutting. I didnt use a razor or knife - i was too scared for that - i just used something sharp. I dont know what possessed me to do that, i really dont undderstand it at all. my poor husband had to deal with me. i was crying and sobbing "saying i want to die" i dont. i want to not feel this loss. i should be hopeful.my appt with dr. le is tomorrow. we are actually going to start the IVF process. Hubbys parents savd up enough money and we can actually do it. so why am i scared?

5 comments:

  1. I hope you are feeling better today. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( It might be helpful to talk to someone about it. It sure helped me! Take care of yourself.

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  2. wow, I'm so sorry you're going through that and feeling such depression about it that you felt so helpless, that you hurt yourself. I hope you're okay. Your husband sounds amazing. He's going through the "loss" too, and he is taking care of you..yall make a great team and will be able to work through this. FYI, I went to dr. le and he helped me have two babies. He is amazing. GL...i wish you all the best....

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  3. I wish I could give you some amazing words of wisdom that would take all of your pain away. But, I don't think those words exist. But I can give you my advice...

    Just don't ever give up, even when you are having your darkest of days. I know sometimes it seems like you will never have that baby in your arms. Sometimes it seems like life can't beat you down anymore than it already has. But, it will all be worth it in the end. I am going to share a poem with you that another infertile shared with me and put it on my blog today as well:

    What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

    I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

    I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

    I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

    I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

    No, God never meant for me to not have children.

    That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

    I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

    Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

    Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

    I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

    While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

    Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

    And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

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  4. WOW! That was the best thing i have read about ths journey. THank you so much for posting. It really lifted my spirits. i think i will print it out so i can carry it with me. THank you for all the kind comments.

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  5. I hope you are feeling better. That is so scary. I hope you can talk about it and work through things thong on in your head. And Wow on that poem NV posted.

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