a relaxed woman

we are back from vacation and it was awesome! Estes Park colorado is beautiful. I am finally feeling like my old self.

Hope = Hurt

SO of all the times in the world, AF arrives right at 28 freakin days. SHE IS NEVER ON TIME! I just wanted her to be a little bit late so i wont be on vacation and can actually start IVF this month. SO after screaming my lungs out in frustration and breaking a necklace and sunglasses, i have finally calmed down. Had chips, watermelon and ice cream for dinner. not the healthiest but the ice cream was delicious. I was really HOPING for us to start this month. I even started fantasizing about hold a baby in my arms and decorating a nursery. Why oh WHY did i start thinking like that again. WHy oh WHY did i let myself get so hopeful. i had a lot to type earlier, but i am just too exhausted.

is it bad to be jealous and selfish?

so my BFF tells me that she stopped taking birth control. which means at anytime soon she could get pregnant. she said that she isn't timing it or anything, but she isn't ignoring the timing either. i want her to be pregnant, but selfishly, not before me! is that bad? I so want to have my first before she has her second. I don't want her to have trouble, i just want to have mine first. i know it sounds bad, but its how i feel. Dear Lord, please let me have healthy children. Thank you Amen

An evening Prayer

I think it's time I start writing down my prayers. Dear Lord, Thank you for my family. I love my wonderful husband, and my 2 dogs. My mom is awesome and always helpful. My brother is so giving and caring. My in-laws are wonderful and so is my best friend. So thank you for all of these people. Thank you for my job and for giving my husband a good job. Thank you for the opportunity to do something meaningful with my life. Please protect all my family and friends, (pets included). Please forgive me for my sins. Thank you for letting my have the opportunity to finally try IVF, Please help me to get pregnant. I am trying to stay positive God, and I know i can with your help. I know I have been praying all of my life, but I think it's about time I actually write them to you. THank you for everything

ups and downs

since Saturday, things have been ok. There are some times in the day where I just find myself wanting to slip into sadness and bad thoughts start crowding my head. I try to keep myself busy with something, whether its TV, radio, or whatever. I notice the worst is when I don't have anything to keep my mind busy. Our vacation is less than a week away, so i will be bust getting ready for that. I just keep hoping and praying that we can start our IVF cycle this month. As long as we get back in time and AF works with me, then we can. I am ready to do something!

Oh Shit, I am happy!

So today i noticed i am feeling a little better. I actually feel like fighting away the negative thoughts. unfortunately my arm is scarred where i scratched it. It just looks like my dogs scratched me, but i will know what they are. hopefully they will fade away, like these negative thoughts. My mom left for vacation today so i was a little sad. she is in another country, so i cant just dial her at anytime. on another note, my boobs have been sore for the past 2 days. it's really messing with my mind. damn hormonal body. here;s to another good day i hope

Hope...can it be true?

We met with Dr. Le today and he explained the whole IVF process. I feel a little bit better about everything. I am hoping this process run smoothly. I am truly afraid to hope. I know that i just need to relax and be patient and pray. Thank you to those with kind words. THat also really helps as well. today i feel that i am on the right track. I know it will be a tough one but i know i can make it through with people like my family and my online family as well. Thanks again, You have brought some hope to me.

WHat was i thinking

So after being crazy ass drunk and posting that nonsense on here and on FACEBOOK, and i am filled with regret. I think I literally went off the deep end that night. I actually hurt myself. I took something small and sharp and scratched my arms. Like those little teenagers who are cutting. I didnt use a razor or knife - i was too scared for that - i just used something sharp. I dont know what possessed me to do that, i really dont undderstand it at all. my poor husband had to deal with me. i was crying and sobbing "saying i want to die" i dont. i want to not feel this loss. i should be hopeful.my appt with dr. le is tomorrow. we are actually going to start the IVF process. Hubbys parents savd up enough money and we can actually do it. so why am i scared?

of a drunk...ha ha just intoxicated

so, today am fucking crazy ass drunk rightnow!! wht!! my cuz decided not to be at home and for some reason thatraffected me more than i thughth. so i got a six pack and i a on numbe 5. i fuckinghate thefact that we are classified as :infertile" what a unch of bs. Notice i am not going tocange the spelling because it just adds to the affect that i am drunk. ha hA. MAYBE I AM NOT AND I AM REALY JUST ANGRY AGAIN.OR MAYEB I AM BOTGT AND I THINK ITS FUNNNY TO TYPE LIKE THIS, this is thw shit about the internet. you just never fuvking know whats going thru a persons mind. smetimes i think about publsihing thi shit so allmy firedns can read abouthat what ut means to be suicida and crazy un thfuking headi i hope u peeps cn decode this shit. i just realized i cantoe worth shit,. i am horrible. i cant believe i had anb office job,. this shit is ricuclous. der god. i love you. i hope you will let me have the blessing of a child. jai shri Krishna. is it wrongto pray while drunk> is it worng tobe hopeful? is it wrong tpo be envious abot the ppl you know? fuck./