thinking positive

Good Morning! Day 2 of training and I hope that it goes a little bit better than yesterday. It seems that my team is going to be tough to work with. One of the ladies, i will call DK, is very bossy and opinionated. I feel that she doesn't like me. Hopefully I am just being ridiculous and that I am jumping to conclusions all the time. I am wondering if I am just intimated and being foolish. Yesterday I left feeling defeated, but I know that if I am going to accomplish everything i want i just have to ignore my ridiculous feelings and just keep working. I am really debating on a tattoo that says change the world, because that is what i want to do. I want to be able to make a difference in a big way and i dont want anyone to stand in my way. I am really happy about the change i decided to make i just hope i can live up to my own expectations. I know that i can actually make the difference and i know that i can change the lives of many people. i love my job and i want this year to be awesome!!!!!!!! i WONT let anyone get in my way, i think that is actually what i need to remember. this time i brought my lunch and i will be staying in the classroom to eat. I am not going to place myself in an uncomfortable position like i did yesterday. i know that i can't handle id speak so i am staying away.

lunch talk

so it's lunch time and everyone of course is going out to eat and i decide to stay here and eat. the girl invites me to join her and her friends in the teachers lounge. sounds better than eating by myself. Was i wrong or what? Everyone starts talking about their kids again and how they are sick and how having a 2yr old is tough stuff and that's why i only had one and blah blah BLAH! I am so sick of hearing the same conversation. I stayed for about 15 to 20 min and that was it. I just left. I went to the cafeteria downstairs and saw a couple of my old students. it was pleasant seeing them. now i am back in a silent room left alone with my thoughts and my nausea. Yesterday, after seeing the preg ladies, i felt sick to my stomach. now i still feel that way. this is what i get for hating on the preg ladies! damn u karma! you really know how to get to a girl real quick! it's nice to be invited, but i couldn't take anymore talk about kids. I was feeling good this morning and i am not going to let a little thing like that bring me down. At least the training we are doing today is interesting. It actually seems like something i could implement into my classroom. that i am happy about. onwards and upwards i guess.

a woman on a mission

so it seems like every time i post to this thing i am either frustrated or depressed. well guess what folks? i am happy! even though i saw all the preg b*tches at walmart! I decided to take the dogs on a walk/jog and let my frustration out that way. to hell with preg ladies, i am gonna sweat the depression away. i am bpund and determined to lose weight before my hubby and i go to colorado this summer to celebrate our five yr anniversary. the least i could do i get back to my wedding weight. i know that will help curb the depression; nothing like being fat and infertile to make a girl go mad! here's to happier posts and a hot fuckin bod by august! enjoy the work week folks! by the way i have lost 6.4 lbs so far. i am down from 161. its unbelievable that i used to be 130!

bored frustrated woman

so today sucks. i am bored and frustrated. all day long today and yesterday has just been frustrating. I sit around and I all i can do is listen to music. Yesterday i didnt want to watch TV. nothing good was on. I started watchin some crazy movie with jessica alba as a math teacher. the invisible sign. she had some mental problems. i could totally relate. in the movie she bought an axe and hung it in her classroom. so of course i was obsessed with it and i decided i should paint an axe or hatchet. i decided to paint a tree that was bleeding. in my head it looks great but of course i cant paint that well yet so it looked lame. the hatchet had blood on it of course to show the tree bleeding. i think i was in a mood feeling sorry for the planet. i dont know. maybe i was too chicken to paint anything to dark and crazy even though people do it all the time. one day i hope i can paint evrything thats in my head and then i will feel better about things. i just know that i need to get the frustration out or i will crack. this has also been a long weekend so there was no school to keep me busy. today wasnt even that bad of a day. went to the inlaws and had a good time. now i am just too amped for some reason. AMPED! some times i wish i could just start throwin dishes evreywhere. i picture it in my head and how awesome it would be. but then of course the rational part of me thinks about how id have to clean that shit up. so nothing happens. damn the spelling tonight. if you read this you can figure it the hell out. sometimes i want off the anti-depressant. they arent even that big of a dose but i feel like they make me all dopey and foggy. i feel like the feelings are just getting suppressed deep inside and i not solving anything but instead i am just hiding it deeper and deeper inside. thank God for music. it really helps me relax. well as relaxed as a crazy person can be. sometimes i think that i am not that crazy but i am just making myself crazy. but then i will forget a dose of meds and then i notice the difference right away. even though it builds up in the system i still feel the effect. but then i wonder what if my doc just gave me placebos and i am just creating the drama in my head because i am a ridiculous person searching for something to be wrong with me. like a hypochondriac. life is dumb.

I hate today

TOday is a bad day. i woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day. i just feel like jumpin off a bridge, or falling off a cliff. i also feel like disappearing. but i just want my feelings of hate to disappear. sometimes the world sucks and your emotions take control and there is nothing you can do. today is just one of those days.

frustrated teacher

I hate my fucking job! it drives me crazy. everyday i say i am not going to yell, but i end up doing it again and again. i dont even have the energy to vent.

Money troubles and other thoughts

So, i was watching Rock Center with Brian Williams last week, and he mentioned how a couple got funding for their IVF cycle in 6 days! They used a website called Kickstarter. Naturally, I investigated it, but found that the only reason they were even able to post on there was because they created a film. its a website dedicated to creative projects in the arts. I was really excited about the idea, but alas, i am not a movie maker. I guess if I get desperate, I will become one. I also started researching about grants, and realized that Texas sucks. they have no requirement that insurance covers IVF. this is not something that women would choose to go through. We are desperately wanting a child, not trying to create a super-child with specific traits. There are 15 states that require insurance companies to cover IVF. maybe we should move! ha! There has to be a better way. All my life i thought, it only takes once. now come to find out, my hubby and i should have stayed of BC from the get-go. maybe we'd have a little one by now. I truly believe the Lord has a plan for us, and that He will provide us with a blessed child, but I also believe He is trying to teach me a lesson, and I am not sure if I am on the right track. so far, I have learned the struggles of depression, the agony of feeling alone, the scary thoughts of suicide and the pain of hope. I know that a lot of m y students at school deal with some of these things and more, so I feel like I am listening to them and relating to them a lot more this year. I also feel like He is testing my faith. It was tested when my father passed away suddenly, and I feel like this is another one to make me stronger. I am not sure what lies ahead, but it may be a rough journey, so He is teaching me strength. Last post, I accepted my fate, but as a control-freak, I feel I should be able to do something. So maybe I haven't accepted it. Maybe just that day. I hope that one day we can look back at this and forget the struggle. actually i think i would rather remember, so I can help others and remember to feel grateful. i dont want to take things for granted. my husband and i have to remind ourselves of the positives in life and how we really are truly blessed. I have the most amazing husband and we have a beautiful home. we are both employed and have 2 dogs. I have a mom who knows how to help me and a brother that is caring. i have friends who love me and pray for me. It's just hard to remember those things on the bad days. sometimes i feel like just sending everyone I know a link to my blog, but i think it would make them uncomfortable. i wish there was a website i could create and people could just donate money to me until i have enough. i dont have enough credit to charge everything and we certainly dont have enough cash. I guess I will continue to research, since God helps those who help themselves. My father was always one who would provide and find a solution, so I guess it's our turn now.