a Babysitter and it's not so bad!

Well, I finally got a chance to sleep in this morning. Till9am! Can you believe it! But is not my vacation yet. I still have training on Monday and Tuesday. I am really excited about my new campus. Everyone is SO PUMPED and excited. We have a lot of work ahead, but I think it will be ok this year. At least this year people are willing to work hard. Today I am babysitting for a friend of mine. I had to think for awhile if it was something I could handle. I think since is NOT a newborn baby, it is a lot easier. He is a just a cute lil guy and it's not bad. It took me a while to get back to her because i wasnt sure about it, but i think i made the right decision. I still havent talked with my cousin yet. She is still be a lil bit immature. so far life is actually good! yes!

ehhh.

So not so much going on right now. still trying to lose weight. still getting bummed out by seeing little babies everywhere. I was gonna go to a friends house, but i don't feel like having a fake conversation about anything. I feel like there are only a few people who i can have a real conversation with. everything else just seems like fluff. my cuz still hasnt spoken to me. i guess she is gonna continue to act like lil brat. She had the nerve to actually TELL me "i know you are jealous cuz i have a baby" what a bitch anyways, summer vacation has begun, but i have training all week, so i get to meet some of the new staff. that should be good. looking forward to that!

someone alone

You know, life really sucks. some days are just bad. my cuz and i got into a fight. i dont think that i am even upset about that. i am mostly upset that life sucks. i always feel down. i am a bad wife. i know that i am. i feel sad and alone. my husband is awesome. i am not. i am just bored of everything.

a broke Painter

So these days i am actually painting! I think it is because I have been feeling slightly (well let's not kid ourselves; extremely) depressed. I now understand that in order for you to create and write the most interesting pieces there has to be some suffering. I think everything wonderful has its price. Well for most people. Some people are just flippin lucky and they get everything they want. I initially started this blog as my online diary, where i can vent my private thoughts. i am thinking of it now as a way to help me tell the world what i am going through. i know that the world isn't reading it, but I feel like I am not a silent victim anymore and I have a voice. one thing i feel guilty about is going on vacation this year. it's our 5 yr anniversary and we are going to estes park, colorado. my hubby and i never went on a honeymoon (because I was looking for a job) and now we are spending money on a vacation. Money we don't have! and on top of it all, his parents are the ones saving up the money for us to do IVF. His mom says she is happy and that we should go on vacation and she even has a present for us. I am torn. We are going, but i hope they don't feel we are taking advantage of them. the doc we are using wants the first part of it in cash (6K) which is why we cant pay. if we went somewhere else it would be so much more and we dont have enough on the card to charge. oh well. that's life i guess. u will always need more and always want more,.